


Peter Parker - Collector

by Agent7



Category: Avengers (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers Family, Everybody Lives, Everybody Loves Captain America, Gen, Gen Work, Humor, Just a goofy little fic, ebay bidding war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 22:49:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17150546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agent7/pseuds/Agent7
Summary: Peter Parker is proud of a lot of things. Saving New York on a near daily basis. His 4.0 GPA. Finally being an Avenger. But he is most proud of his collection of Captain America memorabilia. If only his superpowers could keep CapFan1918 from sniping all the best merch - including the absolute best thing that has been up for auction in years. But it seems like the man is always one step, and one bid, ahead of him. But he’ll have to win this one over Peter’s dead bank account.Or, a fic inspired by a tumblr post, in which Peter Parker and Phil Coulson have been outbidding each other on merch for years and they finally meet.





	Peter Parker - Collector

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you thank you thank you for reading! I am a bit nervous to post this! I write a lot but can't seem to overcome the anxiety to post, but I really want this one to be read. I hope you enjoy it! Posting it was a bit of a Christmas gift to myself, but most one to you all. Thank you again!
> 
> See the notes at the end for info on the inspiration for this fic.

This was easily the best day of Peter’s life. 

He’d made an “A” on his Cal 3 test. His dorm roommate had basically moved out to live with his girlfriend so Peter could finally sleep a full night without being woken up by snoring louder than a freight train. The cute girl at Starbucks had remembered his usual order and his mocha had just the right amount of whipped cream.

And, best of all, Peter Parker was now an Avenger. 

Finally Mr. Stark had declared him “not a kid anymore, kid” and, as long as it didn’t interfere with school, he’d been allowed into the rag-tag group of heroes. 

Which meant that not only did he get to spend an so much more time around Mr. Stark and all of the hella cool Stark Tech but he also got to basically hang out with Captain America on the reg. 

The Captain America. 

Sure, Peter thought Tony was a cool guy but Captain America was a legend. For years he had spent every bit on money he’d been given for birthdays and Christmas and his paper route on buying Captain America memorabilia. 

His bedroom was basically a shrine. But in a cool and not creepy at all way. Hey - how was he supposed to know that they guy was really alive anyway? Besides kids collected baseball cards all the time and weren’t those guys usually alive? Much creepier.

Comforted with that thought Peter turned away from his bookshelf full of the absolute coolest Captain America merch (he even had commemorative salt and pepper shakers!) to grab his backpack and wallet (the wallet was also Captain America themed - he’d bought it from a artisan on Etsy who hand embossed leather and it was the best). He needed to be going or he would be late for his first official meeting as an Avenger. 

He idly wondered if the Avengers did an annual Halloween party because he had a better Captain America costume than Captain America. 

Ooh! Maybe he would get to use the actual shield if he ask nice enough (who was he kidding he would never ever ask Steve Rogers to use his shield for his costume. Probably). 

The only slight damper in Peter's day was that he was currently in an eBay bidding war with CapFan1918 for the absolute coolest piece of Cap merch he had ever seen ever. It was an original sketch drawn by Steve Rogers during WWII. Peter was amazed it wasn’t in a museum and equally amazed that the Smithsonian hadn't heard of the auction and paid 2x what the drawing was worth to snatch it up. Maybe they decided they had enough of the best historical artifacts already? They had rooms full, it was only fair to let the fans have some. It was a legit drawing too, the seller was one of the most trusted in the field. CapFan1918 wouldn’t bid on anything that wasn’t legit anyway. Peter didn’t know how the dude knew if everything was legit, but everyone knew that he had his ways and not to sell him fake merch.

Rumor was that he’d been sold fake merch once, and the seller had never been seen again. 

And what did that dude do for a job anyway? He bought everything. The only reason Peter could compete on half of the stuff was because of the revenue from the app he designed (for $1 you could say something into the app and a very convincing AI of the Hulk would insult you. The real, actual Hulk may have helped him make it much to Banners embarassment. People sent Hulk-ified insults to their friends. It was a thing). But man, CapFan1918 seemed to have pockets that never ended. 

Peter had met him just once, at a superhero con about a year past (which Peter was attending for fun since of course no one knew he was Spider-Man). They had constantly scooped each other on merch at the con just like they had for years online. Peter didn’t even know the dudes real name - just that he was some nerdy looking super fan who had way deep pockets. He was infamous on the message boards for literally having scooped everyone who did any amount of serious collecting at least once. 

Sometimes he’d show up at the last minute too. You’d think that you were safe and then BAM CapFan1918 swooped in and topped your bids with 10s left to go. 

Man, Peter hated and respected that dude. 

Peter hopped on the subway and made quick time to Stark Tower, which was where this weeks meeting was being held - usually they had meetings at the Avengers compound but Peter was glad this one was in the city or he would have had to beg a ride from one of the other hero’s for his first meeting since he didn’t have a car. Parking in the city cost more than his rent. How uncool would that have been to have to beg a ride? Pretty uncool. 

The door card let him in with an official sounding ‘ping’ and Peter passed by all the people that were working for Stark Industries on the lower floors to the private elevator. After having to punch in his security code twice (and really was it even necessary? FRIDAY knew who he was - it was probably Stark’s idea of a joke) Peter hopped onto the elevator to the envy of everyone else in the lobby. Or well, he imagined they were envious. He would be envious if someone else was going to a super secret meeting of superheroes without him. 

Despite the fact that the elevator was without a doubt the fastest in New York Peter still felt like it took an eternity. He wished that he had just ignored Mr. Stark and had swung into the meeting instead but apparently that wasn’t low key enough. Superhero’s weren’t low-key but their super secret meetings were supposed to be. So Peter waited while a marvel of engineering elevated him hundreds of feet in the air. With a ding and a woosh the doors opened and FRIDAY was introducing him to the few people in the lobby.

“What up Petey?” Hawkeye called to him from - wait where was he? Peter’s head swiveled around to the empty entryway. “Up here,” the voice came again and Peter looked up to see eyes peering at him from inside the ventilation shaft.

“Really? This has got to be in the beginning of every bad spy movie ever dude.” Peter sat his bag down and the Black Widow actually laughed at what he had said. 

“See Clint? What did I tell you.”

“I’m an excellent spy.”

“Right.”

“Hey Peter, how are you doing?” thankfully Bruce Banner saved him from interacting with Hawkeye and Widow anymore - he’d done plenty of missions with them (okay two, but that’s plenty) but they still scared him. Or well, Widow did. Hawkeye was pretty chill. 

“Hi Mr. Banner!” Peter was caught between waving and shrugging so he did both haphazardly and probably came off as awkward as he felt.

This was off to a great start.

“Just Bruce, kid. Mr. Banner makes me feel old.” 

“Right.” Peter said before he realized that Bruce might take that to mean that Peter agreed that he was old. “Not “right” that you are old! But “right” like I will call you Bruce, Mr. Banner. Um - Bruce, sir.”

Yeah 100% off to a great start. 

“I know kid, hey why don’t you come with me to the conference room - its this way.” Bruce seemed completely not fazed by him at all, but Peter supposed that if you dealt with enough superheroes on the daily that one weird kid wouldn’t faze you.

“There is a conference room here? On the residential level?” Peter didn’t remember it from the few other times he had been to Stark Tower, but he hadn't seen everything. 

“Yes - well no. There was a dining room which is now mostly a conference room. Everyone just eats in the kitchen anyway and Tony can’t seem to find time to actually eat anything other than an energy drink and a handful of caffeine pills so I don’t even know if he remembered he had a dining room in the first place.” Bruce led him into what would be more aptly described as a ‘great hall’ rather than a ‘dining room’. To Peter, dining rooms were just big enough to fit a cramped table and enough china cabinets to hold way too many generations of fancy plates that weren’t even that fancy but no one let you eat off of them anyway. There were no china cabinets here - more like a million dollars worth of top of the line tech. Plus it could hold 50 people easily. 

And one of those people was Captain America. Who was sitting next to Bucky Barnes. Honestly Peter could faint. 

He’d done missions with them before - they asked him to come along when his high flying or tech skills were needed, but it still didn’t seem real. He’d written history papers about them!

“Peter! Do you like Chinese or Pizza better?” It took Peter a few seconds to realize that he was being ask a real non-mission important question by the Bucky Barnes.

“Uh Pizza?” Was this a test?

“Settled it. Pizza wins - order em’ Stark.” Peter turned his head to see Tony standing at the far end of the hall holding a phone, glaring holes through the Winter Soldier. 

“No that does not settle it Barnes. The kid didn’t sound convinced. Clearly Chinese is still in the running.” Oh, Peter was their food tie-breaker. He didn’t know if he should feel honored or uncomfortable that he was clearly in the middle of this now.

“Are we still on this? Just make two orders - it isn’t that hard. Why do we have to do this every time there is a meeting? And for the record neither of those is a healthy meal.” Bruce chimed in and he made to sit across from Steve. 

“Two orders means the food gets here at different time and either people will be waiting or the food won't be at the optimal temperature.” Tony argued. Peter felt like he had been dropped into some sort of weird alternative universe - were they really arguing over takeout?

“You are Tony Stark - surely you could ensure that both orders got here at the same time hot and ready to eat?”

“I can’t believe you are on their side Bruce.” Tony took on that voice people use when they are fake insulted by something.

“Sure and who is they? Oh, wait - its Cap, Barnes, and Clint right? I have an idea - we all order Indian. Compromise by making no one happy.”

“Wait is this about food? I’m not eating shitty Chinese from that place you like again Tony.” No one had heard her coming so everyone but Cap jumped when Natasha spoke up.

“What is this? What have I done to be turned against like this?”

“Now you are being dramatic. I say we try the new salad place - Greens to Go? They deliver. You probably need to lower your cholesterol anyway Tony.” Window slid into a chair next to Captain America and started examining her nails. 

“Okay. Wow. Not everyone can be a super fit secret agent Natasha. I feel so attacked right now.” Tony was guestering dramatically with his phone and Peter was pretty sure it was going to fly out of his hand at any moment.

Sharp footfalls from the door opposite Peter caught his attention, as did the nerdy looking man dressed in an obviously expensive suite who strolled in holding a notebook and a top of the line cell phone. Peters mind was just piecing together who he was when he began to talk. 

“Enough fighting children. I’ve already placed an order. I hope everyone likes Thai - not that I care, you’ll eat it and be happy or you’ll go witho- YOU.”

Peter was dumbfounded. From the doorway behind Tony, CapFan1918 walked in the door looking exactly as nerdy and stuffy as Peter remembered and he was pointing right at Peter.

“Me? What are you doing here?!” By now most of the Avengers were standing still and watching both of them.

“Uh Phil? This is Peter, you know, Spider-Man? You’ve read his file.” Tony was looking at CapFan 1918 (alias Phil) like he had grown two heads. “Wait - do you two know each other?”

“Know each other? This little snot is the kid that scooped my last auction!”

“Me! You scoop every auction dude! Leave some for the rest of us why don’t you.” To make his point Peter tapped on the notification that he had been outbid and increased the bid by $1.

That action started a bidding war that had both of them engrossed in their phones for several minutes tapping away.

“Look kid - you aren’t going to win this one.”

“Like I’m letting you walk away with this. Come on man, you win everything. Not on my watch.”

“This is the big leagues, kid. You should go back to collecting action figures.”

“I’ll have you remember that you outbid me on the last three auctions of action figures. But please, let me be the one who is outbid here.”

“Only if you insist.”

“Over my dead bank account, man.”

“If it has to be that way.”

“Oh - its gonna be that way.”

“STOP. What in god's name is going on here?” Tony cut in causing both of them to jerk up and look away from their phones.

“Look Stark, I’m involved in a very important auction here and there is no way I’m going to let the AchranidBoy1994 win.”

“I’m sorry what did you just call him? AchranidBoy1994? Is this some sort of gang name?” Tony’s voice was dripping with sarcasm as he stared at them in disbelief.

“Its my eBay name, Mr. Stark.” Peter chimed in and Tony’s mouth dropped open slightly.

“Oh my god.” He mumbled while rubbing his jaw, “this is insane.”

“Look, AcharanidBoy1994, just let this one go. We’ve got a meeting to hold.”

“Not a chance CapFan1918,” Peter upped the bid again just to make a point.

“Oh it gets worse Coulson your eBay name is CapFan1918? Jesus.” Tony was still capable of speech but it was clear he hadn’t recovered yet. “Wait. CapFan1918! Isn’t that the year Rogers was born!” They both ignored him.

“Look here kid this is a once in a lifetime auction -“

“Which is exactly why I’m gonna’ win it.”

“Do you even have the money it takes to frame an original drawing by Steve Rogers from WWII?” Peter willed himself not to look at the man in question because he did not want to see his face.

“I’m sorry? This is all over Captain America memorabilia? You both collect it? Of course you do. What else was I expecting.” Tony had slumped down into a chair at this point. “Kid I thought we had a thing.” 

“We do Mr. Stark! I look up to you a bunch and I love all the tech! Its just that there is something so nostalgic about vintage Captain America stuff!” Peter rushed to explain. Really he liked Mr. Stark a whole lot but come on. Vintage Cap stuff!

“I’m still stuck on the fact that we are witnessing this showdown,” Widow said from her seat, which was close enough to Captain America that Peter caught a glimpse of his face. He looked embarrassed which somehow made it 100x than if this had just been in front of the other Avengers. 

“For years, years, Coulson has complained about you kid. This is monumental. The man behind the screen name is revealed. Phil Coulson’s greatest nemesis. I’m living for this honestly,” Clint said from his corner, Peter just now noticed that he was recording this on his phone. It would definitely be emailed to everyone later. “Honestly this is one of the best days of my life. 10/10. You might be my favorite person now Parker.”

“What are you even bidding on?” Steve Rogers himself ask from his seat,his voice coming out a bit too high pitched to be normal and his face a shade of tomato red. Peter never thought that he would see Captain America so embarrassed. It was slightly endearing but also made Peter feel 100x more self conscious. 

“Please say it isn’t something like his u -” Tony was interrupted before he could finish that though but Steve went redder still.

“Its some scribble you did back when we were waiting in France for that one mission, you know, the one that went really well and ended up with us surrounded by the pretty USO girls,” Bucky Barnes piped up, having been quiet since the pizza argument. 

“Wait the one where the USO girls helped us to take out a Hydra Base by pretending to be a French chorus group?” Steve asked, some of the redness receding. 

“Yeah, you did it because our plans were scrapped and we had to spend a week waiting for the rain to let up. All the rain is why we had to use the girls anyway, original plan fell through. Worked out better in the end. They should’a all been picked up as spies after the war, honestly. They were a clever bunch.” Bucky leaned back and nodded as if that was all that needed to be said.

“Okay. Okay. Okay wait. How do you know what piece they are bidding on? Are you in this auction too? What is your eBay name? MetalArmDude1916?” Tony ask, his voice incredulous. “Honestly FRIDAY check to make sure I haven’t fallen into a parallel dimension.”

“Same dimension, sir.”

“First that is a stupid name, Stark, and secondly I know what it is because its my auction. And honestly this is going to pay for that trip to Europe I wanted please keep it up guys.”

“What?”

“Wait.”

“Barnes?”

“Seriously Buck?”

“How-”

“AVENGERS” Thor yelled as he burst into the room carrying armfuls of Thai delivery ordered by CapFan1918 and smiling widely. He blinked in confusion at their blank stares. “That’s what we're doing right? Yelling things?” 

 

Fin

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you again! And Happy Holidays!
> 
> This story was inspired by a comic panel posted to tumblr, and some users (I'm not sure how tumblr reblogs work exactly, but it was the tags/comments in a convo between u/jordannwitt, u/protectnatashahamilton, and u/etherealasylum I think. Please let me know if it needs more attribution/info!) who gave a prompt in the tags ("#as much as i love the idea of peter being baby avenger#he has a gIGANTIC CAPTAIN AMERICA BONER#so petition for fic where peter becomes an avenger and encounters coulson#and coulson is like yOU! and peter is like yOU! and everyone else is like ????#and it turns out peter and coulson have been sniping each other on merch for years").
> 
> I saw it and the story wouldn't leave me alone until it was written. Sorry, but not too sorry.


End file.
